My Story

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At 9 years old I was coerced into incestuous activity by my brother and for most of my life took the blame upon myself. 

I had no idea how my life would be forever scarred by the shame and guilt I would carry, and the tremendous impact this would have on my future relationships. 

For decades, every partner I had chosen had an addiction or mental health issue and I would continue to choose manipulative coercive people to whom I readily handed over control of my life. I had no idea why this kept happening to me, but I could see the pattern.

Three years ago, after ending yet another toxic relationship, I felt ashamed and stupid for allowing someone like him into my life, especially after I discovered he had just up and  disappeared. A knock on my door by the police weeks later, with the news that they had found a body in the river and suspected it might be my ex I had reported missing, I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and the responsibility I felt for this man's death. While we were together, I did not realize he was suicidal, nor did I understand the extent of the pain he hid behind the mask he wore. I was focused on creating a better life for myself and my children when I met him, and I didn't recognize the warning signs until it was too late. 

Grateful for the resources and network of fellow childhood trauma coaches and inner child healers I reached out to them to process my responsibility and more importantly what was not my responsibility in the aftermath of his death. And I decided I had to fully tackle my wounds head-on if I was ever going to have a healthy relationship in the future.

With the eyes of a 40-year-old adult, I saw the damage of trying to pretend nothing happened and realized what that thinking had been doing to me my whole life. I saw how it impacted my choices and what I had put up with in relationships. I saw a common thread of covering up for them, not reporting abuse, not pressing charges after reporting abuse, blaming myself, sweeping the whole thing under the rug, this was reminiscent of not being in counseling as a child, and my entire family just pretending the sexual trauma never happened. I didn't start to heal until I took all of the blame and shared it with the other person responsible. 

Today, I have forgiven my brother and myself, moved through the healing process, and begun to show up for myself with more compassion and love than I ever thought possible. I consider myself lucky, I have learned to talk about the abuse, and I have let out some of my deepest dark secrets, and I believe that's why I am still here today.

My story, my compassion and the training I have received as an emotional integration coach specializing in inner-child healing, allows me to offer others a way to heal and move forward into a brighter future no longer burdened by the shame of their past.
 

For speaker & workshop bookings and more information about one-on-one healing sessions please contact me at amanda@transformingthetrauma.com. 

Watch for the release of my upcoming book in 2025.