My Story

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At 9 years old I was coerced into incestuous activity by my older brother and for most of my life took the full amount of blame upon myself. 

I had no idea how my life would be forever imprinted by the shame and guilt I would carry, and the impact this would have on my future relationships. 

For decades, every partner I selected had an addiction or mental health issue and I would continue to choose unhealthy, sometimes coercive people to whom I handed over control of my life. I had no clear idea why I kept choosing this, but I was definitely starting to see a pattern.

Three years ago I felt ashamed and hopeless after another failed relationship. This guy had ghosted me after I ended the relationship, or so I thought.....that was until his body was found 6 weeks later. I was overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and the responsibility I felt for his death. While we were together, I did not realize he was potentially suicidal, nor did I fully understand the extent of the pain he hid behind the mask he wore. I was focused on creating a better life for myself and my children when I met him. I had just started writing a book and was working on rebuilding myself.  When he was found I was 6 weeks into an intensive course on starting a business, and course creation. I was permitted to place this course on hold and focus on healing this new wound in my soul.  

Grateful for the resources and network of highly skilled friends, fellow coaches, and inner child healers I reached out to them to process my responsibility what was not my responsibility, and the mountain of pain left by his passing. I knew I had to fully integrate my wounds if I was ever going to heal my heart. I also took another course to become certified in a second healing modality, The Compassion key Karma Clearing, before finishing the mastermind business and course creation program.

With the eyes of a 40-year-old adult, I saw the damage of trying to pretend nothing happened and came to realize what that had been doing to me my whole life. I saw how it impacted my choices and what I had put up with in relationships. I saw a common thread of covering up for them, not reporting abuse, not pressing charges after reporting abuse, blaming myself, sweeping the whole thing under the rug, this was reminiscent of not being enrolled in counseling as a child, and my family just moving forward as though the sexual abuse never happened. I didn't start to heal until I shared the blame with the other people responsible, met my inner child again and again and offered my love, compassion, support, and understanding. Creating a safe space to heal my broken heart. My inner dialogue started to change I was kinder and more understanding, I felt myself growing stonger and feeling more at peace and comfortable in my own skin. My creativity came back to life, writing songs and poetry took no effort at all. My passion to start a business with these life giving practices and personalized coaching was reignited after experiencing such a sudden loss, I wanted to speak giving people like my late ex boyfriend hope for a better tomorrow. I believe he might still be here today if he had opened up to me or someone, and received the resources and help he needed but didn't feel he could ask for. I found out it is common for men to feel like it's not possible to speak about their struggles, because of potential ridicule, and rejection. 

Today, I have forgiven my brother and myself, moved light years along my healing journey, and show up for myself with more compassion and love than I ever thought possible, and it is still getting better. I consider myself lucky, I have learned to talk about the the abuse, I have let out some of my deepest darkest secrets, I felt the emotions I had been stuffing down and shaming myself for, I let go of the shame and I survived it, in fact I believe that's a main reason I am still here today.

My story, my compassion, and the training I have received as an emotional integration coach specializing in inner-child healing, allows me to offer others a way to heal and move forward into a brighter future no longer burdened by the shame of their past.
 

For speaker & workshop bookings and more information about one-on-one healing sessions please contact me at amanda@transformingthetrauma.com. 

Watch for the release of my upcoming book in 2025.